sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
He's a Shit stain on my heart
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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