i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Your cock deserves a montage
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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