I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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