Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize