Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
We were destined to go to rehab together
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
