I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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