i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
