I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
