i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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