why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
