How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
