So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize