My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
