omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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