they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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