I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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