i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize