Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
