meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize