this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
