im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
we're so committed to being not committed
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
