Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
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