dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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