I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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