Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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