I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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