I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize