I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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