Betty ford says i'm here all night
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
