You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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