I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
