the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
