I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
