Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize