I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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