I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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