sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
