I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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