So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
