Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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