Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
