Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
