I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
