Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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