I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
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