I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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