I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
