New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize