Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
