If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
