I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
