Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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