Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
where are my eyebrows?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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