as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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