someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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