Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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