I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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