I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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