3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
