i already hear my dad disowning me
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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