Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
