I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
