someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
