I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
