Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
