So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize