Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
