Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
