im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
