I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
