I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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