The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
