We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
